One of my strongest characteristics would thus be determination and resilience, with which I confront each and every task I undertake. Being a goal-orientated individual, I frequently set high targets, many of which have several difficult challenges to overcome. While others may throw in the towel when the going gets tough, my resilience would carry me through, allowing me to persevere and succeed.
Hence, I am drawn to the challenging yet stimulating responsibilities in dealing with clients accounts and promoting events. Being determined in soliciting clients for the company, despite facing many rejections is a trait of mine that is beneficial for Peranakan Place Complex. Additionally, when faced with problems on-site and during events, I am able to put my best foot forward with an unwavering spirit and enthusiasm. It is with the utmost conviction that both the organisation and I would benefit from my innate resilience and determination that I pursue this job.
I really like the way you put your key trait of being able to face challenges into perspective with the initial tale of your trip to Mt. Orphir. That is a very effective way to introduce yourself. You then elaborate quite clearly and concise...until the last paragraph. That one needs work. Do you see why?
ReplyDeleteHi Abby! I feel that you have done a good job in relating a relevant experience to your strength: determination and resilence.
ReplyDeleteThis sentence "While Mount Ophir may not be Mount Everest, to my nine-year-old eyes, its summit seemed like the top of the world, the mountain an insurmountable obstacle." sounds a bit weird to me, especially the last phrase. Maybe you can separate it.
Also, I feel that your last paragraph seems a little sudden because your points there do not seem to relate to your strengths (resilience and determination) which you want to highlight in your statement. For e.g, your phrase "unwavering spirit and enthusiasm" does not really link to determination.
Correct me if i'm wrong. =)
Hi Abby,
ReplyDeleteI feel that the experience you mentioned is very relevant. I can relate to the traits you are trying to explain.
In the last paragraph, your first sentence seems to suggest that resilience and determination are the reasons why you are drawn to the challenging yet stimulating responsibilities. I think it may be better if you rephrase the sentence such that you explain how these traits can benefit or help you deal with the responsibilities.
Cheers,
Chee Siang
Hmm…Seems like there is much discussion about your last paragraph. Here is my take on it.
ReplyDelete-Perhaps you can add in a bridging sentence at the start of the paragraph. For example, “My resilient characteristic has influenced my work attitude and inclination.”
-Can relate a past working experience to show evidence when describing how you solicited clients and what problems you faced on-site.
-Maybe can consolidate the boot-licking phrases and create a new paragraph?
Hi Abigail! Looks like Brad has led the way to kick start the commentary. The first two paragraphs are perfectly fine, except the last paragraph whereby I have some minor suggestions for you.
ReplyDelete-Using the word ‘drawn’ in the first sentence gives me the feeling that you are not motivated into this line, but more like ‘passively’ attracted to this job. I don’t think it would be a good impression to leave to the reader. Probably you can rephrase it to “Hence, I am determined to…” for a more firm stand in your personal statement.
-In the second sentence, I am a little confused with “Being determined in soliciting clients for the company…” as I have the initial impression that your job is somewhat a very PR oriented job. Also, it is rather misleading for the reader as he/she may think that you are using some other queer methods to get customers. (It sounds funny in my opinion, no offence. But I hope you know what I mean). Also, is facing many rejections a trait that will benefit the company? I think you are trying to say that you are determined in getting the business prospects for the company and the ability to accept rejections without feeling depressed or discouraged.
-I think it will sound better if you rephrase “…when faced with problems on-site and during events…” to “…when faced with problems on-site or during events…”.
I believe that once the last paragraph is revised, this will most probably be the best personal statement I have come across!
Regards,
Ivan
Hi Abby,
ReplyDeleteI'm just trying to join in the 'fun' with regards to the last paragraph.
I guess the focus of your last paragraph shifted towards the company and its operations. After paragraph 2, i was expecting to read on about how you view yourself and your values. However, I was brought to sentences that seem more appropriate in an application letter.
It would be great if you could generalize what you intend to say. For example, "...when faced with problems on-site and during events...", you could replace it with 'when facing problems...". It definitely will sound more personal. Like what Xiangmin mentioned, using a previous working experience could illustrate your point well too.
Other that that, it's a great piece you have got here :) Your 2nd para has an impact on me when i read it.
Hello! Thanks sooo much for all your comments, especially on my last paragraph. I'd have to admit that I still couldn't see where my mistake was in that paragraph, even after reading Brad's comment. So thank you gals and guys for addressing it in detail, so that I can now see what needs work there :D
ReplyDeleteI'll try my best to work all your suggestions and advice into my new draft and I'll post it up here as soon as possible. (I'm still working on it.) Meanwhile I'd still love any more comments; all are deeply appreciated.
Cheers,
Abigail
Hello Abby!
ReplyDeleteWe are both Mount Ophir 'conquerors'!
Okay, casual talk aside, I think the idea of using your experience in climbing a mountain to highlight your resilience is brilliant. It could, however, be better if you actually mention some obstacles that you faced during the climbing process? This may sound a little silly but the reader may not be convinced that Mt Ophir is actually a pretty tough terrain to overcome?
And I do agree with Sarah regarding your closing paragraph. It seems that you sort of veered off-course and started to introduce other plus-points of yourself (enthusiasm and unwavering spirit etc...) You may want to look into that (:
Cheers,
Yuan Ru